On Chewing the Proverbial Fat

I’ve come to realize that one of the things I have missed most about America over the first few months is conversation. Real, interesting conversations have come fewer and farther between for me here in Vietnam, for a number of reasons I think.

First of all there’s the fact that, hey, I’m new here. Moving from a place infused with the comfort of four-year-long friendships to a new city – let alone one across the world – has its challenges and frustrations. There’s Alice, of course, but let’s be honest – there aren’t many subjects the two of us haven’t covered! Just kidding…but seriously.

Then there’s the obvious language barrier. Alice, Samantha, Frank (new PiAer in Rach Gia, about 3 hours away) and I have a running joke that most conversations with Vietnamese people follow the same pattern of simple questions: “Hello hello, where you from? Where you go? How long you stay in Vietnam? What you think of Vietnamese students? What you think of Vietnamese food?” Which, let’s be honest, seems like a highly sophisticated interchange when compared with my shameful attempts at communicating in Vietnamese. Hard to string together a conversation with “How much?” “I like fruit” and “Your baby is beautiful”…

But it also seems to me that relationships work differently here. I remember at the beach this summer when, momentarily exasperated with my all-too emotionally articulate family and friends, I told my aunt that I could not wait to get to Asia where “no talks about their feelings and opinions, EVER.” Though I was joking at the time, I’ve found the stereotype to be more or less true. People will welcome you into their homes for a meal without hesitation, but there is a certain reserve when it comes to letting you in to their hearts and lives. Not that deep friendships don’t ultimately happen – they maybe just take a little more patience and persistence.

The relative absence of such “real” conversations has made me realize how much of the learning and growing up I did over the past four years happened around the dinner table in Forbes or at Cloister, having morning coffee with my parents, cooking (or peeling carrots in Karli’s case) at 9 Linkoping Rd., or with all 4 roommates crowded into our tiny 47 Spelman kitchen in the wee hours of the morning. These and countless other times are what I miss most, and what I always hate leaving behind…

Which is why it has been exciting that I have recently started to find more of these moments happening in Asia.

Take for example my friend “Michelle” (sorry, I feel weird using people’s real names!). I met Michelle through the orphanage project – she was hired by Kate as a summer volunteer and just a few weeks ago joined the regular year staff as well. Michelle is different than a lot of Vietnamese girls I have met...

The women’s lib movement and all its implications have yet to really hit the Delta, particularly when it comes to social expectations. Girls cannot stay out past 10 p.m., or socialize with a group of men without being assumed a “loose woman” (as Mom & Dad like to say). And though women with careers are becoming increasingly common, men are still seen as the primary providers and women as the primary caretakers. And you can tell by looking around that the feminine ideal remains extremely girly – all about frills and pink, avoiding sweating and looking “lovely.” But they also work really hard – they have a LOT of babies, somehow manage to keep everything super clean and pretty much every woman is a kick-ass cook. My wonderfully blunt Vietnamese-American friend Thu put it perfectly, “They are such flowers. Incredibly strong in many ways, but such flowers.”

All this has been interesting for me. In some ways, it is kind of a fun experiment to be in a place where I can anonymously explore my inner girly side by bedazzling my nails and frilling my wardrobe, etc. But at the same time, I don’t think I’ll ever stop hating pink, loving to sweat, or enjoying having male friends, and the girlish giggles of my female students when called on in class continue to drive me nuts.

Anyways, sorry for the brief digression but this setting is why Michelle proves so fascinating a person to me. She is definitely not a flower. I’ve found her to be more open and easier to talk to than almost anyone else I’ve met. The other week at a party at our house, we spent a solid 45 minutes talking about her plans for after graduation – how she is debating between in staying in Can Tho and moving to Ho Chi Minh City, why she and her boyfriend of three years recently got engaged, differences between dating in America and Vietnam. Just the other day, after a meeting for the orphanage project, she took hold of the notebook I was using and began analyzing my handwriting a bit (It was kind of freaky how many things she could tell me about myself!), which got us going on an interesting little discussion of personality traits and whether or not we believe in things like handwriting analysis and astrology, etc.

It seems to me that Michelle has the best of both worlds – all the drive, smarts and confidence of any “liberated” Western woman, but without completely abandoning the quiet strength and grace that I so admire in so many Vietnamese women. And on top of that, she has a heart of absolute gold. I’m looking forward to getting to know her better…

On to moment number 2 of real conversation…anyone who knows me well wouldn’t be surprised to learn that I was beyond thrilled when last week one of my students asked me to have coffee with him to discuss the American political party system. This kid, who we’ll call “Jack,” is an all-star. For the first two years of college, he refused to speak in anything but English to his roommate in an effort to master the language. On the first day of class this semester, he marched right up to me afterwards and asked me who I preferred in the upcoming presidential election, who I had preferred in the Democratic primary, and told me his opinions of all the candidates and their motivations. I was blown away.

So naturally, when I headed out this Sunday to meet him for coffee (with Frank in tow as another good source of American political knowledge), I was excited to see where the conversation would go. Jack started off by asking me if he could change his in-class presentation topic to “Why the government should allow more than one party.” Although my insides leaped for joy, my better judgment suggested that maybe we keep things social in the classroom of a government-run university. He continued on from there to ask Frank and I our views on the election, Sarah Palin, the current financial crisis, China, Bill Clinton, and capital punishment, among other things. I think he was better informed about international news than almost anyone I know. And in his own turn, he was remarkably honest about the political climate in his own country. I thought I had died and gone to heaven. I had the chance to ask him all the questions that I was dying to get answers to – what is and is not appropriate to ask, how people view the government, etc.

It was both an inspirational and a humbling experience, to witness a student so thirsty for knowledge and eager for exchange that I was making his day by spending just an hour or two talking over coffee. It began to make Vietnam, and my role here as a foreign teacher and representative of my own country, more real to me, more of an actual purpose than just a fun/ridiculous stint as a local celebrity.

Another thing that has made me exceptionally happy recently is that Alice, Samantha, Thi Bay and I have started eating in on occasion. Though I love the taste and cheap prices of street food, cooking at home can be much more relaxing and social. I.e. today at lunch Thi Bay went on a pretty interesting rant about Cuba in the fantastic way that only Italians can (I miss you Micol!). I’m also hoping some of my students will teach me how to make a few Vietnamese dishes before I go home for Christmas.

So anyways, these encounters – and a couple of others that I won’t bore you with – have made me even more excited about the possibilities for the coming months here in ’Nam. Next step is to get myself healthy – my shameful sleeping habits have landed me sick for about the 23094203984234th time since I’ve gotten here. Ugh.

Oh, and to everyone out there, if you like having “real” conversations as much as I do, well, we can still have them! On Skype. Do it do it do it now. Until then, chào các ban (goodbye everyone (I think))!